Semper Fi Better or Worse Always Faithful
by ReeLouise4015
Summary: They were in a partnership for twelve years. Four years down the track, both reflect on the promise of better or worse, of being always faithful. Will their partnership remain in the past? Or will they remain, always faithful? E/O Bensler story. Should also be noted that this does contain parts from one of the deleted scenes from 'Scorched Earth.'
1. Chapter 1: Four Years Later

**a/n. This story picks up four years after "Smoked". There is no specific viewpoint but it does jump between Elliot and Olivia and Kathy. Includes direct quotes as well as improvised scenes from Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Right from Seasons 1-16. All characters, direct quotes etc remain property of Dick Wolf, the writes and NBC. Enjoy :)**

"Night, baby boy," breathing in what was left of that sweet baby scent, as she plants a small, loving kiss on Noah's forehead, "Mumma loves you." His tiny, perfect nose twitches and he sighs contently, letting Olivia know that he heard her, and he knows. At only eighteen months old, Noah has seen and been through more than anyone, let alone a baby must go through. Olivia only hopes that she does right by him. She stands at the side of Noah's crib, longer than necessary, contemplating everything that has happened to her in her life. The love and loss she has experienced. She thinks of her mother, the mother never forgave herself, nor her daughter for her rape; the mother who nearly killed Olivia; the mother who sadly let her own demons get the better of her. After everything Olivia endured over the past four years; the loss, the hurt, the trauma, Olivia vowed that she would never ever inflict any pain on Noah. She vowed that she would always be there for him, for better or worse. Heck she'd give her son a kidney if he needed it. She sighs, pushing whatever thoughts were going to start, to go away. It did make her sad that Serena would never get to see her Grandson, but at least Olivia knew that neither of them would ever have to be subjected to the abuse of a drunk.

While Olivia may not have had the best of mother's to use as a role model, she knew what she needed as a child. Working in Special Victims unit, for as long as she had, had also given her a greater insight to what all children needed; love, support, stability and safety. It pained Olivia to know that Noah had not always had this, she was content knowing that from now on, and forever, he would. She thinks back to when she had Calvin. Just thinking of him made her smile, he would be almost sixteen now, she was a good guardian to him, wasn't she? She thought about Calvin a lot, especially since getting Noah, imagining what he would've been like as an older brother, fiercely protective, she thought. Olivia casts her mind back to Tyler and Livvy, and of course, Simon. She must call him sometime and tell him the good news. He would be happy to hear that something has gone right for his older sister. She imagined having Tyler and Livvy over for sleepover, and playing with Noah. It would be nice to have a happy family. Just once. Briefly, Olivia thinks of Cassidy, and what he would be like as a father, she shakes her head dismissively and rolls her eyes. Brian Cassidy, as a father. Even though he loves Olivia, and did for so long, they were a lost cause. He didn't want children, and she did. After the _event_ from last year, he was on eggshells around her. How was she meant to get back to life if he treated her like a fragile victim? Thoughts of another person, the perfect father for Noah flash through her mind, but once again, Olivia breathes in and shakes her head, bringing her back to the present.

Olivia kisses her son one more time, before checking the baby monitor and leaving the room slowly, as not to wake him. She heads towards the bathroom, to wash her face and complete her nightly beauty regime, the only fifteen minutes of the day Olivia ever truly gave to herself. She rubbed in the last of her night cream and shuffled to her bed. She stood at the doorway looking at the large, empty bed. For a brief moment she imagined _him. _He was lying there propped up against the pillows, looking at her with those blue eyes, those eyes who saw through everything, the tough exterior, the pain, the hurt, everything. The eyes that saw into her soul. _I'm your partner, for better or worse; I'd give you a kidney, not if I gave you mine first. _

It was one silent tear that brought Olivia back to the present. "It's been four years, Liv, let it go," she whispered to herself. Deep down, she knew she never could, even in her weakest, or rather her strongest moment she still thought of him. _"My old partner he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face. Maybe I should call him. Maybe I should get him to use that metal bar on you huh? And make you beg for your life."_

The memory of William Lewis makes her almost sick, her whole body instantly flexed all over. Automatically, her hands trace over the scars he left her with. Although, now that she had gotten used to them, Olivia, almost wore them with pride, they were her battle scars. They were proof that she was stronger than Lewis; proof that she was worthy of life, of her shield, her weapon; worthy of Noah. Proof that she was worth the title of Commanding Officer, Sergeant Olivia Benson of Special Victims Unit, Manhattan.

Sliding into her bed, her fingers lightly caress the picture of her and Noah that she keeps on her bedside table, reminding herself of the present and the future; and drifts off into sleep.

Meanwhile, over in Queens, another exhausted parent, tries to unsuccessfully, coax his eight year old to go to bed. "But Daddy, Mummy lets me stay up this late all of the time." They might be divorced, by he still knew that Kathy never let the kids stay up, past eight. He also knew that if she found out that the eight year old had stayed up until midnight, there would be more than hell to pay.

Kneeling down, ensuring that he is exactly eye level with his son, "Eli, buddy," he pleads, "please just go to bed. You got to watch TV, I read you three books and you've had not one, not two, but three cups of hot cocoa. What else do you want?"

Eli ponders this for a while, stroking his little chin. This makes his father chuckle and shake his head. After some deliberation he says with a victorious grin, "ice-cream!" and jumps up, indicating he wanted his father to pick him up.

"Ice-cream?" he questions as he then picked his son up from the ground, carrying him into his Minecraft adored room, "Eli, it's midnight, you're not getting ice-cream," he has been a father long enough, to know that sugar and midnight is never a good mix. Eli looks disappointed, "How about, if you go to sleep know, I'll give you chocolate pancakes, _with _Ice-cream for breakfast?" he had also been a cop for long enough to know, not to give into demands, but sometimes, desperate times called for desperate measures. Even, if combatting one demand for sugar was giving him, twice enough, Kathy was picking him up after breakfast, and the sugar high would be hers to deal with.

Even after the few minutes of the two men arguing over bedtime, it was enough to wear young Eli out enough for him to give up and finally sleep. The words, "okay Daddy," were barely audible through the large yawn, his son produced. As he lowered his son into his bed, a sad smile came across his face, it finally dawned on him, how many of these he had missed in the last fourteen years since becoming a Special Victims Unit detective, let alone before that. Elliot lovingly caresses his sons blond head before kissing him goodnight night before switching off the light heading back into the lounge room. _He may have Kathy's colouring,_ he though,_ but he certainly has my personality. _

Once sitting comfortably on the worn out sofa, Elliot contemplates what has happened in the last four years. While him and Kathy did try and work it out, for the sake of their children, Eli, in particular, they knew deep down is wasn't going to work. _When love warps to hate, there is nothing you won't do, _he thought. It was times like this, when he was all alone, and trying to reason with the young eight year old, that he missed their marriage, or rather their partnership, the way that Kathy was always able to get the kids to do anything. He sighed, not being one to dwell on the past, he gets up from the couch to fix himself a midnight snack, all this talk of ice-cream and pancakes was making him hungry. Rummaging through the fridge, he comes across a jar of pickles, he picks up the ribbed glass jar and studies it, slowly, a low chuckle, which then becomes a full belly laugh starts to erupt from the usually serious man. The words, _I'm not the one who stabbed the captain with a pickle, _dance through his mind, followed by her face, her smile, her brown eyes, which, after all they had seen, never failed to be warm and inviting, like the rest of her. _I'm your partner, for better or worse, _he remembers, _better or worse goddam it. _The image and news reports of William Lewis, combined with the ex-detective's knowledge of perps like him, and what he would've done to her dance around in Elliot's head. And with that, the jar of pickles becomes shattered glass and pickles as he angrily throws the jar into the small stainless steel sink, "Son of a bitch," he curses, as some of the glass nicks his hand.

After attending to the small cut on his thumb, Elliot looks at both his hands and studies them, the left hand, or so his ring finger in particular. While it has been three years since he last adorned that golden ring, he could still see the faint discolouration between where the band was and the rest of his finger.

He then rubs his hand across his receding hair line and jaw in exasperation as he turns and hits the kitchen countertop in angry, it's too late, he now sees Eli standing in the kitchen, _son of a bitch, _cursing himself for his idiotic behaviour, he really has to work on his anger. "What's wrong Daddy, why are you mad at the pickles?"

_I was her partner for better or worse, I'd give her a kidney, better or worse, she had her worse and I wasn't there. "_Nothing, buddy, they just broke, now please go back to bed." Praying silently that he would, just once, do as he was told. Eli just stood there, _he may be eight, but he can see right through me. _Eli clearly was not going to move. "How about I take you to bed, and I read you a story?" he pleads, thinking of anything to get _her _out of his mind. He takes his mini-me by the hand and leads him back to bed, snuggles in close to him and opens yet another book, by the end of the first sentence Eli is already asleep. Not wanting to disturb his son, and once again, reflecting on all the missed bedtimes, he stays there, hoping this might be the night he gets a decent sleep.

**a/n just so everyone knows, I have had the majority of this story written for awhile. Right now, I am unsure of whether or not to keep it at the current ending (unpublished) or have a time jump. It's really up to you guys and the reviews. I will post the next chapter (Chapter 6) soon as it is already written. I have always felt the characters of Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler deserved to be together, however, I never felt that Elliot truly deserved Olivia. The way that Olivia has always presented herself, and considering her story (child of rape, failed relationships, Calvin and other failed adoptions Sealveiw, William Lewis as well as her view of You don't fall in love with the people you work with, along with her almost admissions to Quinn on 'Internal Affairs' and Noah) if there is one, I don't want her to instantly forgive Elliot and play family with him. They both have baggage and her hurt her, a lot. I don't see her letting all her walls down straight away, Elliot has to earn that right, and prove to her and Noah that he is not going to bail. That he will be there for better or worse and will be faithful to her, always. So please please PLEASE Review. Tell me what you like, don't like, if it's believable and what you all would like to happen; be it that Bensler is endgame, or Motherhood. **


	2. Chapter 2: Flashbacks and Memories

**a/n This chapter features flashbacks of both Smoked and Surrender Benson, as well as quotes from various episodes. Some I have improvised a bit, adding in thoughts that the character may have had at the time etc. All quotes and characters are property of Dick Wolf, Writers and NBC. Hopefully you all will understand and appreciate the use of them, especially for Olivia. But don't be too worried, there is some humour in this chapter. Reviews would be appreciated :) **

**Chapter Two: Flashbacks and Memories**

**_She's wearing purple today. She looks flawless every day, but especially in purple, the way the colour contrasts with her unique dark features. It makes my heart skip several beats. I sigh, I missed my chance, long ago. _**

**_She walks back, after consoling Jenna, looking a little broken. Not all the time, but some cases break her, only a little though, and I feel like I'm the only one to see. At least this time, we got them. _**

**"****_How long till those idiots go to Central Booking?" She asks. _**

**_"Not soon enough," I respond readjusting myself getting ready to work on the mountains of paperwork I seem to accumulate every day. _**

**_Unexpectedly, several rounds makes their way around the precinct, everyone screaming, ducking for cover. They hit everywhere and everything. I look up and Olivia remains unscathed, for now. My chair moves around and it's Jenna, of course it would be Jenna. _**

**_Olivia and I both look up, the shots are going everywhere. Glass is shattering, people are screaming and ducking for cover. It's all happening so fast, Sister Peg is hit. Olivia goes down with her, to try and stop the bleeding. _**

**_I do all I can think of, and grab my gun; "Jenna, Enough," I scream, while pointing the gun at her, hoping that this will convince her to put it down," put down the gun, drop" I reason with her, "That's it just put it down," the look in her eyes, so broken, so scared. Those eyes would haunt me forever. I look to Liv, she's holding onto Sister Peg, her breathing so heavy and ragged. She's scared, we're all scared. I breathe a sigh of relief, she's putting it down, "that's it," I coax, "just put it down." That's it, I've done it, she's lowering the weapon. _**

**_The perp then opens his big mouth, "Crazy, bitch, I should've killed you with your mother," Son of a bitch. _**

**_"Jenna," I try and reason once again,-Bang. It slipped my finger sipped. Jenna shot the perp and my finger slipped. _**

**_"No!" screams Olivia, her hands covered in Sister Peg's blood. _**

**_Jenna falls, my gun, still in my hand and I run, so fast to Jenna, and I kick the gun from her, Elliot what have you done?_**

Elliot's eyes fly open, breathing raggedly and fast, covered in sweat, he looks over at his son, relived that he is still asleep. _Ignorance is bliss,_ He thinks to himself. He slowly pries himself away from Eli, hoping not to wake him again, and heads to the bathroom, needing to cool down. He looks in the vanity, barely recognizing the man looking back at him. While he's better than he used to be, he's still broken. All his life, he's been broken, only slightly, but still broken.

Growing up with an abusive father, marrying out of responsibility, rather than love. Yes, he loved Kathy, and absolutely loved those kids, no doubt about it, but he couldn't help but think what if. There were so many times in his career and personal life when he doubted who he really was. Was he Elliot Stabler, former Marine, family man and SVU detective, a voice for victims and a voice for justice, or was he Elliot Stabler, a perpetrator with a gun and badge? There had been so many times where he nearly crossed the line. He thinks back to when Maureen was only a toddler, and he was so close, so incredibly close that it kills him to think about it. Or when he would let loose on a suspect. Granted, most of them did deserve it, but did that make it right?

He fights the urge to let loose on the mirror, not wanting another scratch; to wake Eli or to face Kathy's questions in the morning.

He welcomes the warm shower, the water, cleansing him of everything, almost like a new life, a baptism of sorts. Reminding him that he should go to confession again, it might do him some good.

His nightmare, or rather his past, is still fresh in Elliot's mind. Seeing the complete panic and terror in Jenna's eyes. It haunted him. So much so, he couldn't bear to come back, not even to see her, and it killed him, god it killed him. And then when she made him choose? Twelve years of _for better or worse_, and he broke it; over twenty-years of for _better or worse_ and he broke it. There were only two people in Elliot's entire life that he made that promise to, and to both people he broke it, and it killed him. _You gutless son of bitch, _he thought, _twelve years and all you leave her with is a piece of paper and a piece of metal, Three words you left her with, and not even the three you wanted to say. _It may have said _Semper Fi, _always faithful, but actions always speak louder than words_. Perpetrators said they were innocent, said they were sorry, but they always re-offended_,_ always_, he thought. _Kathy and I always told the kids, actions speak louder than words_. _So why is it so hard for you?_

Meanwhile, much like Elliot, Olivia, receives, somewhat of a wakeup from the past, a past she's in no hurry to relive.

**"****_Liv?" Captain Pokes his head out of his office, great, just what I need. _**

**_"Nice working with you," John quips, always something to say, the smartass. _**

**_"I don't think she was lying about being raped," I begin to plead, still feeling strange not hearing Elliot's name follow mine. _**

**_"Would you shut the door please?" I barely had enough time to turn back to Cragen, "Elliot put his papers in. There was nothing I could do." There was sadness, no, that's not it, it was pity, Cragen pitied me. _**

**_He could see it in my face. My heart, my body, everything it crumbled. I fought back the urge for tears. "He's earned it," was all I could manage. It was true, he did. _**

**_"And then some. You wanna talk?" _**

**_Hold it together Liv, "No," was all I could manage. _**

**_"You wanna take a day?" _**

**_"I'm fine," just a few more minutes, you can do this. I was fighting back the tears, no one would see me cry, no one. _**

**_"Liv I'm sorry." I nodded and walked out. What more could I do? He was gone, for good and all I got was a small medallion and three words. _****Semper Fi, El.**

**_We get a call and I tell Fin I'll be there, five minutes and I'll be there. I go to the cribs and then everything changes and I'm back, Lewis is back. He's beating me and baiting me, I'm baiting right back, I may have been handcuffed, but I could always give as good as I got. _**

**_"What's that look?" He taunts, "Are you feeling sad? Thinking about someone you're never gonna see again Mom," she's dead, I think, hit me, "Dad," Rapist. Dead. Give me your best shot, I pep myself, "Boyfriend?" I barely flinch, but he sees something "No, huh? Someone else someone who you would give anything to see just one more time." His face comes into my mind again, I force it out, but he won't go, not this time. And I use it, I use it as my talisman to give me what I need to survive. But I'll be damned if Lewis knows. _**

**_"You're gonna cry his name out at some point." He taunts again. Think again, Bitch. "They always do." He circles me again, like a lion ready to pounce on its prey. "Well, just try to put him out of your mind, okay? 'Cause you don't make it out of here alive." You wanna bet bitch? You picked the wrong girl, not this one, and not this time. And I kick him, kick him will all the strength I can muster, drawing on everything in my life, all my experiences which have lead me to this moment. He's out and I cuff him, like so many before him. Now it's my turn you sick son of bitch._**

She wakes up, in a sweat, ragged breathing, comforter and sheets all over the place. It's now 2am. Immediately she runs to Noah's rooms. He's blissfully asleep, the barely audible snore and slight gurgle of inconsequential words and sounds instantly quell any fears that Olivia has. Ever so carefully, she picks Noah up, needing to hold this precious, perfect boy in her arms to know that he's okay and she's okay. He stirs, only slightly, just to nestle himself safely into the crook of Olivia's neck. His little head fits perfectly, as if they were truly made for one another. She paces around the room with Noah for a few minutes, making a mental catalog of the things she still needed to buy. After a while, Olivia's arm starts to go numb, reassured that both she and Noah will be okay, she put aside her needs of comfort and sets her son back in his crib. Once again, he sighs, with content.

Olivia, still slightly on edge after her nightmare, quickly walks around the Manhattan apartment, making sure all of Noah's toys are picked up. She puts the kettle on, to make a cup of tea. As much as she may want the warm, velvety plum, taste of a Merlot, Olivia has decided that having an alcohol free home for Noah, may be best after both his and her history. And considering it was her house party where Nick became intoxicated, and adding Child Services into the mix, "chamomile tea will have to do," she whispers to herself.

While waiting, what seems a lifetime, for the kettle to boil, Olivia remembers the vow she made to Noah just hours ago, _I'm your, Mumma, for better or worse; better or worse. _She thinks again. Almost subconsciously her hand drifts to her lower abdomen, more specifically, her kidney. She smiles and whispers again, "not if I gave you mine first." And with that, she heads back to her bedroom. Ever so slowly opens the top drawer of her pine dresser, one of the few heirlooms left to her by Serena, carefully as to avoid the squeak that could so easily disturb Noah. Her hand eagerly dives in the draw, knowing exactly what it's searching for, "Son of a bitch," she curses, as the thick paper slices cleanly through her pointer finger, and lifts it up to her mouth, as a way to momentarily stop the bleeding. With her left hand she lifts the small square of cardboard, and clutches it for dear life as she heads back to the kitchen, to make the cup of chamomile she now desperately needed.

Olivia inspects her finger, it's no longer bleeding, but the cut is still quite deep, for a paper one anyways. Medallion in one hand, and tea in the other, she heads back to her room, quickly taking one last peek at Noah on the way past, _so peaceful, _she thinks. On seeing the site of her bed, Olivia quickly grabs the monitor, in the same hand as the medallion and decides to retire to the couch instead, not feeling like fixing up the mess she had already created.

Once the pillows are in a perfect mush position, Olivia snuggles down, taking a sip of tea, she curses again as it burns her tongue. She really had to get a hold of that. Noah would soon pick up everything she, and other would say, before she knew it he would be saying things like _Objection_, _Son of a Bitch, _or the Miranda Rights before he said Mumma.

With mixed emotions she opened up the cardboard and gazed upon the small medallion, the cold of the metal sent a small shiver up her spine, as the contrasting heat of her fingers gently caressed it. Her eyes the look at the three words written in black, _Semper Fi- El. _Semper Fi, _Always Faithful. _Her own words come back to bite her, **_"And you think that means he's in love with you?"_**_ Better or worse. I'd give you a kidney, Better or worse; "__**And what did you think, that he would leave his wife and kids for you?" **__kidney, Faithful, Better or Worse, Always faithful. "__**Hoping that one day he would look over at you and realise that you were the woman he really loved?"**__ I sure as hell wouldn't drive to Queens to save your ass, yes you would. Looking over my shoulder to make sure you're okay. "__**It's not going to happen."**__ You and this job are all the things I got anymore, I don't want to wreck that, I couldn't take it. Better or worse. _"It was never going to happen," she finally admits to herself, realising it wasn't really Quinn she was talking to that day, but herself.

The words, the memories, the flashbacks, they're all too much and she breaks. Silent broken tears pour out of her, four years of pain and anger and resentment, pour out of her like there's no tomorrow.

Like a mirrors image, he breaks, he always found it easier to cry in the shower, no one could see him. His father caught him crying once, never again. Not even Kathy saw him cry. The water turns cold, reminding Elliot of the time. He decides it's been long enough and gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around his waist and wipes the steam off the vanity. He looks up, eyes red from a combination of tears, soap and hot water. He breathes in deeply, realising that it's been long enough. He may have broken two vows, one was definitely past the point of repair, but there was still a chance for one. A small one, but a chance none the same.

Getting dressed again, into some jeans, and a pullover, he quickly checks on Eli and breathes a sigh of relief, he was still asleep.

While Elliot did not consider himself a gambler, he took a gamble tonight. I picked up his phone, unlocked it, and dialed a number, a number he wasn't even sure existed anymore, but a number he would never forget. While he had only called this number a few times within the last four years, he always hung up, before anyone could answer, just in case. He looked at the number and studied it,_ is it worth the risk? _He thought, _Of course it is, you idiot. _Elliot chastised himself. "It's now or never," he said as he made the biggest gamble of his life and pressed the circular green icon which now decided his fate.


	3. Chapter 3: Lost for Words

The high shrill of the telephone wakes Olivia, who is still holding the small medallion to her chest she runs to the bedroom, praying that the sound doesn't disturb Noah, "Benson," she says huskily, partly from running, and partly from the fact she cried herself to sleep. There's silence. She pulls the phone away from her ear, "tsk," no caller I.D, could be one of the countless victims who have her card. "Benson," she says again, this time with more clarity and conviction, hoping this convinces whoever is on the other line to speak up, "Who is this?" she pauses, starting to get annoyed, "You do know that you have called Sargent Olivia Benson of the NYPD, Special Victims Unit, Manhattan. If you are calling concerning your case, please make a sound, any sound, press a number." Nothing, she sighs, "I hope you realise that prank calling anyone, especially a police officer is a felony and I can and will find this number, and consequently you," and promptly hangs up. She checks, again on Noah and tosses the phone onto the couch, and falls back to sleep, relishing what small time she has left before Noah is needing breakfast.

"Can and will find this number, and consequently you," the line goes dead. The phone goes flying across the room to join the already broken pickles and glass. "Son of a-" Elliot curses as kicks his foot against the island in the kitchen. Again, he rubs his palm across his face as he sighs, a combination of frustration and disappointment. _You were in the Marines, you were an SVU detective with a 97% closure rate. But you can't tell her, the woman you've loved for sixteen years that you're sorry, that you love her? _He glances at the digital clock on the microwave. It was five, Eli would be up soon and he remembers he promised the precious eight year old pancakes and ice-cream. Elliot quickly raided the kitchen for the ingredients to make pancakes.

He stops at the sink, realizing he must clean this before Kathy comes to pick up Eli. He sees his phone, hoping that it remains unscathed from his earlier outburst. Elliot didn't think that pickle juice and broken glass mixed well with smart phones. He knew he was technologically illiterate, but he knew that much. He breathes a sigh of relief, it seemed okay.

Father duties called, and Elliot started making pancakes, once again, reflecting on how many breakfasts like this, that he had missed when Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie and Lizzie were younger. Right on cue, Eli came stumbling out of his room. "Daddy," he exclaimed as he ran towards Elliot, he picked his mini-me up and gave him a kiss on his forehead, "you are making pancakes, just like you said!" The amount of pure joy and happiness coming out of his young sons voice was music to Elliot's ears and made him smile, like he hadn't in a long time.

"Of course I am, buddy, I promised didn't I?" and Elliot kissed him again and placed him down on the ground, so he could go and watch cartoons.

It was now nine am and Kathy would be here soon to pick up Eli, weekends never seemed long enough to Elliot. He quickly ran through the house, ensuring all of Eli's belongings were packed safe in his backpack. "Eli," Elliot called, knowing that he had to clean his sons face and get him out of his pajamas before, there was a ding at the door and Eli ran straight to it, opening it, squealing with delight.

"Mummy!"

"Eli, what is on your face?" clearly, noticing the debris of pancakes and ice-cream, on her sons face. She bent down to give him a kiss and a lift him up into an embrace. The weekends always felt so long for her.

"Pancakes," Eli says with a nod.

"Obviously," Kathy laughs, but Elliot could tell annoyance plagued the laugh, "where is your Daddy?"

"Here, hi Kathy," Elliot hands her the backpack, simultaneously rubbing a warm washcloth across Eli's face, the way he squirmed away made both parents laugh with delight.

"Hi," all laughter and happiness fading from her voice. _It's been three years, _thought Elliot. She put Eli down so he could quickly go to the bathroom as the trip from Queens was long enough, without the bathroom breaks required by an eight year old. She looks around, her blonde hair flicking all around her, until she tucks some behind her ears and her hands follow to the back pockets of her jeans. Elliot recognised this nervous habit of hers all too well.

She sighs, they were married, for over twenty years, and now, she found it so incredibly hard to say anything to him, let alone hello. It wasn't because she still had feelings for him, she had been with Daniel for two years now, so that wasn't it. Maybe it was because she was still mourning the loss of her husband, the man she loved, she married all those years ago, had shared five children with. That man was gone, and he was gone the day he shot that girl. Kathy knew it wasn't his fault, but it ate at him, god it ate at him. And leaving Special Victims, and _her, _Kathy knew that that was what probably killed him the most. She knew it was her fault. She _made _him choose, "_It's us, or it's Olivia, you can't have both," _she remembers, "_I can't keep feeling like I'm the other woman in this relationship, when I'm your _Wife, _I've done it for twelve years Elliot, I'll be damned if I do it for another twelve!" _

"Kathy," her now ex-husbands voice brings her back to the present, "were you listening to a word I said?" Elliot asks, visibly annoyed, she shakes her head in response and mumbles some sort of apology and gestures for him to repeat whatever he was saying. He sighs and starts again, "I really think Eli needs more structure, like maybe if I were to see him more often, after school, even have his friends stay over too. It would be good for him. I just," he stops not wanting to cause an argument.

"I just, what Elliot?"

"I just, uh don't want Eli to forget that I'm his Dad_, not_ Daniel," he was happy for Kathy, all he wanted was for her to be happy, but he didn't want his son growing up, referring to someone else as Dad.

"Oh, El," she sighed as she got up from her seat to stand in front of Elliot, he put her hand to his cheek, something she hasn't done in a long time, "that's not going to happen, Eli loves you and he knows you're his father, and his Dad. All he does is talk about how cool Dad's place is," and it was true. And Kathy was so happy that even through the divorce they still managed to co-parent Eli. Elliot was taken aback, by the sincerity and warmth that was emanating from his ex-wifes voice. He hadn't heard that in a long time.

"Yeah, I know," he smiled and shrugged his shoulders, it was nice knowing that his son thought he was cool, and that Kathy had no intention of replacing him, in the sense of being the father of her children, anytime soon.

They stood there like that for what seemed an eternity, before Eli made his presence known again. Both Kathy and Elliot stepped away and both looked to the ground to regain their composure, "Okay Eli, say goodbye to Daddy," Eli and Elliot exchanged goodbyes as he walked his son and ex-wife to the door, he watched them drive away then shut the door.

All of a sudden the house was incredibly quiet. Gone was the laughing and energy at least for one week. It was quiet enough to be left with this thoughts, and regrets, something Elliot Stabler did not enjoy. He was at a loss of what to do for the rest of this Sunday morning. Against his better judgement, he reached once more for the smart phone and hit redial, praying his cowardice would not get the better of him.

Nine am and Noah had already gone through one bottle, a jar of oatmeal, five shirts, including two of his Mummy's, and who knows how many diapers. It was going to be a long Sunday "Noah Benson," Olivia jokingly chastised, "if you keep going like this, you and Mummy won't have any clothes left." He just let out a mischievous laugh, as if he knew exactly what he was doing. Momentarily, Olivia froze, she just referred to Noah as Benson, _no, not again, _she thought. While she loved this baby so much, she was still a foster mother, and he could be taken from her at any moment. She then again thought of Calvin, how he started to refer to himself as Calvin Benson and how that made Olivia feel. It made her feel complete and powerful, in a way she had never imagined. She still had the picture Calvin drew for her, after all this time, she wasn't going to let that go. That picture, and Semper Fi, had gotten her through so much. Hearing herself refer to Noah as Benson, and not Porter, scared her a little bit, made her feel almost vunerable.

The banging of his pudgy little fists on the highchair brought Olivia back the present and the still hungry baby in front of her. She laughs, drinking in the intoxicating euphoria of his laugh, cherishing every moment. Once she had cleaned him, and herself up, she placed Noah on the floor of the living room on his play mat that Fin had bought him, allowing Olivia a few moments of solicitude to drink her now lukewarm coffee. Her phone rings, "Benson," praying that it wasn't the precinct as she wanted this weekend with her son and her paper work. She listened for a few moments, there was silence, again. She looked at the screen, no caller ID, again. This son of bitch was a piece of work.

Just as she was about to give this perv a piece of her mind, a voice she would always remember, would always run to, had been hoping and praying to hear begged to hear, "Liv, don't hang up, please, don't hang up."

The phone fell to the floor, Olivia Benson was lost for words. She stood there, looking at the phone which was lying face up on her carpet, with _his _voice on the receiver.


	4. Chapter 4: Hello or Another Goodbye?

"Benson," her voice, that perfect, husky voice, he's lost for words, afraid that he will say the wrong thing and never be able to come back from it. _What are you doing? Man up and say something, anything, just don't let her hang up. Not again. Kathy has moved on and she's happy, it's time you should too. _He realises that she's about to hang up again, either that, or get the entire NYPD on his ass that is not something he needs.

"Liv," he breathes into the receiver, "don't hang up," he could smell the desperation in his voice, "please, don't hang up." For four years, he imagined what he would say to Liv, what could he say? He had made so many promises to her, and couldn't keep a single one. He imagined what she would say back. Would she hug him, like she did after Gitanto? Or, in true Benson style, put him in his place, the place he deserved to be. He heard a clatter of sorts, did she fall? Drop the phone? "Liv," he begged again. "I know you're there, I can hear you breathing, you answered your phone Liv," he stands up and breaths everything around him and pinches the bridge of his nose, hoping to diffuse some of the tension building up inside him. _Great job Stabler, you've blown it, couldn't leave well enough alone. _In a last ditch effort, hoping she was still on the line, "Listen Liv, if you're still there, please meet me, anywhere, Pete's Tavern, or 115 Ave 168 St," he finally breathes, "Queens, I'm, I'm still in Queens." He hangs up. There was once a time where he knew Liv would drive to Queens to save his ass. Elliot hoped that maybe that was still the case. If she was still in Manhattan, like he thought, she shouldn't be longer than forty-five minutes. He hoped.

"Queens, I'm, I'm still in Queens," the line then goes dead. Olivia couldn't believe what she just heard. Elliot Stabler, after four years; four years of nothing only _Semper Fi, _and other meaningless promises to hold onto and he calls her out of the blue. Like a tonne of bricks it all hits her. All those times, all those empty calls, the no caller I.D's it was _him, _it was _always _him. Olivia picks up her phone, and places it on the table, she then paces around the kitchen, again, and again. She goes over to Noah and picks him up, needing something real to hold onto to.

Again, she paces, through the apartment, trying to make sense of the last five minutes; of the last four years. The last sixteen even. Olivia is full of emotions, so many emotions. After all this time, she always thought, _it's not going to happen; it was never going to happen. _

All the pacing had put Noah to sleep. Olivia stood there for a moment in complete silence. If 115 Ave 168 St, Queens was where he was, then 115 Ave 168 St would be where she'd go.

After grabbing some bottles, and Noah's favourite toys she packed up the car and straps her son in. While making the trip to Queens, Olivia takes this chance to collect her thoughts. Was she doing the right thing? She didn't just have herself to think about anymore, she had her son. What about Elliot? He had his children, and Kathy, how did she feel about this? Does she even know? More importantly, what was she going to say to him? So many time she had imagined this day, each time a different scenario would play out in her head.

**"****_Liv?" Captain Pokes his head out of his office, great, just what I need. _**

**_"Nice working with you," John quips, always something to say, the smartass. _**

**_"I don't think she was lying about being raped," I begin to plead, still feeling strange not hearing Elliot's name follow mine. _**

**_"Would you shut the door please?" I barely had enough time to turn back to Cragen, "Elliot put his papers in. There was nothing I could do." There was sadness, no, that's not it, it was pity, Cragen pitied me. _**

**_He could see it in my face. My heart, my body, everything it crumbled. I fought back the urge for tears. "He's earned it," was all I could manage. It was true, he did. _**

**_"And then some. You wanna talk?" _**

**_Hold it together Liv, "No," was all I could manage. _**

**_"You wanna take a day?" _**

**_"I'm fine," just a few more minutes, you can do this. I was fighting back the tears, no one would see me cry, no one. _**

**_"Liv I'm sorry." I nodded and walked out. What more could I do? _**

**_We get a call and I tell Fin I'll be there, five minutes and I'll be there. I go to the cribs, I pull out my phone and I call you, voicemail; of course, "El, it's Liv. Cragen just told me, I can't say I'm surprised, but I thought you were better than that, we were better than that." I can feel myself breaking now, "You know me better than I know myself, you know things about me, that I'd rather not know, and this is how you say goodbye? You can't even tell me yourself. Well fuck you, you son of a bitch, fuck you." And I hang up, not being able to take another moment and I break, only for five minutes Liv, I remind myself. _**

**_When Fin and I came back I was greeted by a small package, confused I opened it. It's was a small square of cardboard, ever so carefully I flipped it open. Immediately I'm taken aback. _****Oh, El, ****_I thought as I realised that it was, it's his medallion from the Marines, beside it are three words; _****Semper Fi, -El. ****_Always Faithful. My stomach hit the floor, realising, not only the extent of the words I said, only hours ago, but the meaning of this gesture. These three words. They meant something, Elliot Stabler never said anything he didn't mean. I realised then, that he would always be faithful, to me, to our partnership; that he really was my partner, for better or worse. _**

**_Once I regained my composure, I called him again, to apologize for my harshness, and to thank him, not just for the memento, but for the last twelve years. "Daddy's phone," a young voice answers, Eli I realise, as the others would be at school. _**

**_"Hi Eli, is your Daddy there? It's Liv," I remember hearing the exchange of words and the phone. _**

**_"Hi, who is this?" It's female voice, it's Kathy. My heart sinks, only slightly, but it does. I decide that's it's best to just hang up. Even though it was me who convinced her to stay, and it was me to delivered Eli, I never felt that Kathy truly forgave me, or Elliot for that matter, for what our partnership was. I feared that asking for him now, would only make things worse. I figured Elliot would call me back, he knew my number, my address, my precinct, he knew where to find me. And he would, when he was ready, he would find me. _**

The shakes her head and beeps the horn in frustration. "Guess he's ready now," she says out loud while checking the rear view mirror.

Then there were other scenarios, like after Lewis, Olivia imagined him running in to save her, like he always did, because he had her back, he had her heart, her soul; for better or worse. But he didn't. It was Olivia, who saved herself, "It was always me," she responds, almost as if Noah can hear her thoughts, "almost there baby," Olivia coos as she moves her head, attempting to see in front of the other drivers.

Even after the news of her attack, and his escape and suicide hit the news she thought surely then, always faithful, Elliot Stabler would return to make sure she's okay. But he didn't. She pauses. Maybe he did though, and maybe Cassidy, wanting to make sure that she stayed _okay, _warned Elliot against it. Olivia shook her head in disbelief. Nobody could ever make Elliot Stabler do something he didn't want to do.

Three times, he's changed his shirt three times. _It's only Liv, _he thought, and the words then dawned on him; _it's Olivia. _It had been four years since they saw each other, and so much had happened. How would she sound? How would she look, would she have kept her long hair or cut if off short like she always would? He saw her on the news, back when Lewis escaped. She looked so strong, so courageous, so _Olivia. _Elliot then stopped, what if she's not coming? _No, no don't be silly, _he thought, _of course she'd come. It's Olivia. _Everything boiled down to it being Olivia.

The more he thought about it, the more Elliot realised what he may have unleashed. Quickly, in an attempt of self-preservation he ensured there was enough ice for at least two packs. Unless Olivia and her right hook had changed, he was going to be prepared.

After finally deciding on the grey pullover, he sat and waited. Something he was never good at. It was almost like it was his wedding day again, analysing all paths and choices that lead him to this situation.

"**_I'm so glad you're back," she breathes embracing him. _**

**_"I should've come back sooner," Elliot replies, meeting her with a strong embrace. Both relishing in the feeling of being complete again._**

****A reunion from a lifetime ago suddenly becomes fresh in the minds of Elliot and Olivia. Would it be like that again? They both realised that it wouldn't be; it couldn't be. For so many reasons. It was one goodbye too many, for both of them. It was one goodbye that never actually happened happened.

Both equally nervous and unsure of what today would bring, they pause; Olivia at the door and Elliot sitting down. _Would they have the goodbye they were supposed to always have?_ Elliot thought.

Simultaneously Olivia almost mirrored Elliot's thoughts,_ would they say goodbye and walk away, finally getting the closure that I deserved _we,_ always deserved? _Tenderly she kisses Noah's head. Partly to calm her nerves.

Maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't say goodbye to each other per say, but to the last four years of broken promises, of heartache and loss_. _Would they say goodbye to the people they had lost and become, and welcome back who they used to be?


	5. Chapter 5: Semper Fi yourself, Elliot

Suddenly, there were two knocks at the door, suddenly, Elliot's palms became slick with sweat, his stomach full of butterflies and his tongue tied.

"Goddamn it, Elliot, I didn't drive all the way out to Queens on a Sunday morning to stand at your door." He still stands there, feet glued to the floor, "Elliot, I swear to god, you have two choices, let me in or I'm busting down the door," hoping he would choose the former, as having a baby on the hip isn't exactly conducive to kicking down a door. She may be Badass Benson, but she's not _that _Badass. "Three seconds, Elliot, or I'm walking away."

_Walking away, _Elliot would be damned if he let that woman walk out of his life, again. He heads to the door when a strangely familiar sounds comes from the other side of the door, it sounded like a gurgle of a baby. _No, _Elliot thought, _she couldn't be._ He swallows his pride and opens the door. There she, as perfect as ever, her long hair, now a shade darker and a lot shorter. He notes that the lengths makes the ends slightly curl and kick at the ends. It frames her exotic face perfectly. She's dressed in dark purple, the way she looked in that colour made Elliot weak at the knees. Who was he kidding, her whole existence made him weak. It was what, or rather who was attached to his former partners' hips that really shocked him; a baby, Olivia Benson, a mother, finally. _Everything_ _she's ever wanted. _He stood there drinking her in, trying desperately to form words, any words.

"Well, I certainly did not respond to two dodgy phone calls, on a Sunday morning, just to drive down to Queens, on a Sunday morning, to wait at your doorstep, for you to _finally _open the door just to stand here," she looked at him, expectantly, holding back all the rage and tears, for Noah's sake.

"Uh, of course, Liv, by all means," he moves aside, gesturing his hand to let her in. She walks in, taking the small Queens apartment, as well as Elliot. He looked exactly the same, while his face showed few a signs of aging; thinner hair, softer jawline, he still made her heart stop, even after all this time, _damn him,_ she thinks about how old the Stabler kids would be, of course, Eli would be eight now, the other all in, if not finished College. Of course he would need to downsize. She eyes his left hand with subtle scrutiny, in the same way she's been trained to do. The gold band is missing, and something inside Olivia changes, she feels something, but she can't put her finger on it. _Don't get your hopes up, Liv, it's happened before, and he went running back. _

Elliot disappears, leaving Olivia, in the entry way of his apartment with a baby and diaper bag in toe. She stands there, really taking in her surroundings, noticing that there isn't anything much that Noah could get into so she lets him loose on the floor and places the diaper bag beside the vanished coffee table, Olivia recognised it from the original Stabler residence.

The place is quite homey, considering, pictures of his children decorate the plain alabaster walls. And there's one on the mantel piece that catches her eye, it's her, and Elliot. Well not just them, of the entire squad; Munch and Fin, Cragen, Alex and Casey along with Huang, it was Christmas. Olivia remembered how much she begged everyone to take that photo. Kathy had just left Elliot and took the kids with her. She knew that Elliot needed something to lift his spirits, so she organised for a group photo of the squad, including Elliot. So he knew that one of is families would always be there. It wasn't until she closely inspects the photo, that she noticed the way that Elliot was _not looking at the camera. _His body was facing towards the camera, but his eyes, those piercing blue eyes, told another story. In all those years of looking at that photo in her own home, she never noticed until now, the smirk on his face, his eyes, drinking her in. _How did I never notice this? _She thinks. There's that feeling again, the unexplainable consuming feeling.

"Hey there buddy," Elliot exclaims as he picks Noah up, he reciprocates by squealing in delight. Olivia places the photo back on the mantel pieces and just hopes that she can maintain her composure. She looks over at the two men; _How does he do that? _She thinks. She can't help but smile, Olivia then looks to what Elliot brought out, and it's a travel playpen. Must have been from when Eli was a baby she thinks, "Well we couldn't just have him roam the place, could we?" Elliot says and he places Noah in the playpen, and motions for Olivia to get the toys. She give him his favourite toy, an elephant, another squeal of delight fills the room and both Elliot and Olivia relish in the sound.

In the midst, of what appeared to be happy families, Olivia is taken aback by the way Elliot nonchalantly said _we. _First she referred to Noah as Benson, now Elliot was using words like _we? _She may have driven to Queens, and wanted to give him a chance, but she wasn't going to make it that easy. He was going to hear and face everything he avoided fours years ago , "There is no _we, _Elliot," she says as she rises to her feet, walking towards the kitchen and Elliot follows. Olivia remains close enough to still hear and see Noah, but far enough away to ensure that her mood doesn't disrupt his. "You and I stopped being a _we, _when you handed in your papers, with no explanation, and no contact, FOUR YEARS AGO," she angrily exclaims, while poking him on the chest. Elliot attempts to interject, however he senses that she is not done.

"Twelve years, Elliot, does that mean anything to you?" she steps closer to him, her voice becoming huskier with rage, "does it?" She looks at him, waiting for a response.

"Liv."

"Oh, no, you don't get to _Liv, _me after four years, Elliot Stabler, you are going to stand there and you are going to listen to me until I am finished." She pauses and takes a deep breath in, knowing she will need it, "I'm your partner, for better or worse, your words Elliot, not mine. Do you remember all the times I was there for you?" He looks at her, remembering every single time, "do you? I was there for the better and the worse, always Elliot, always." She looks away, "where were you? Huh? Where were you when it was my worst? Where Elliot?" she answers her own question, "that's right, nowhere, I had my worst, which surely you would've known about, and you weren't there." He can't even look at her now, knowing everything she's saying is true. She breathes deeply again and starts to walk away from him, knowing, that if she says anything more, right now, she will crumble. "God Elliot, I was there, I saw it too, Sister Peg died in my arms, I get why you walked away, you earned it, but to hear it from Cragen?" she shakes her head,"Do you realise that I was the one who had to pack up your desk. Not you, not Kathy, Me. Do you know how painful that was, having to pack up the last 12 years of your life, without even getting a goodbye?" she looks at him expectantly, a single tear runs down the former detectives face, he knew his actions, or lack there of would have an effect on her, but she was right, not once did he ever stop to think that this might break her too."That was below the belt, Stabler, even for you." That hit him hard, never once has Olivia ever referred to him as Stabler, not in twelve years.

Once again, he attempts to interject, "Li-" before he gets the words out, she gets him open handed, right on the face. _She's still got it, _he thought.

"After countless, silent phone calls, you finally speak up, you wanted me here, I'm here, and you are going to listen to me, Elliot Stabler," he lets her continue, "There was a time where you said that me and your job, that's all you had going for you, and you left, Elliot, you left us both, without a goodbye. Do you realise how much that hurts?" she slaps him again, "do you?" She walks over to her handbag and gets out the cardboard box, and looks at it shaking her head and pacing herself through her breathing, "This, this is what I get? After everything we've been through, everything I've been through, I get a piece of medal and three words? _Semper Fi, El, Always Faithful, El_. Faithful to what? Elliot," this time is a jab to the chest, "to yourself? To walking away? All those times you needed me, all those times you expected me to jeopardise a collar for _you, _and that's what I get?" the tears are brimming, almost burning, "After everything you've been through, we've been through, hell Elliot, what I've been through, and not even a call, a letter, a message at the precinct? Every promise you ever made me, you broke. Do you know how that feels?" He stands there and takes it, knowing full well he deserves every single word, and more.

Quickly Olivia, looks over at Noah, happily playing in his own world, oblivious to the drama that surrounds him. "Do you realise I've lost everyone I've ever truly loved, everyone?" the words are barely audible, as her voice cracks. She looks at the medallion, the talisman she has used to hold on to Elliot Stabler, all these years, she looks at it and picks it up, "Semper Fi, yourself, Elliot," and throws it at him. The action breaks both their hearts, all over again.

She's done it, everything she's been holding onto for all those years, she's said it. However, Olivia knows, that deep down, it's not everything, there was so much more she wanted to say, that she needed to say, she wasn't done. Olivia didn't think she'd ever be done telling Elliot Stabler exactly what she thought of him.

Turning around, making her way to Noah, and he grabs her wrist, her soft, warm wrist. For the first time this morning, for the first time in four years, they make eye contact, real eye contact. They both realise the effect their words and actions, or there lack of have really had on each other. It feels like a shock of electricity coursed through both of them.

"Liv," Elliot starts, "you've had your chance, and you earned it, but I think I deserve mine," and he looks at her, with those puppy eyes, those blue puppy eyes, _well no wonder the suspects always gave up, _she thought.

"I suppose, that would be fair," Olivia sighs using the last few minutes to calm herself down, Elliot lets go of her wrist and they take a seat at the coffee table.


	6. Chapter 6: Does it need Saying?

This was it, the moment Elliot Stabler had been waiting for. There were so many things that needed to be asked; to be shared, told. Where would be start? Using the sound and the rhythm of the clock ticking in the background to pace himself. Noah gurgles, making his hunger aware to Olivia, "He's hungry," Elliot notes as he nods towards Noah. Instantly he kicks himself, remembering every snide comment he ever made to Olivia about her desire to be a mother. He of all people could not hold rank over Olivia when it came to parenthood.

Her eyes narrow in on him as she gets up to heat up a bottle, "I am his mother, Elliot," he could hear the hurt in her voice.

"Of course, I'm sorry," he pauses, "so, when did all this happen, how did all this happen?" desperately grasping at straws to avoiding saying what he really needed and wanted to say. Olivia proceeds to explain the nuances of the situation, including her relationship status, or lack thereof. Elliot closing his eyes and shaking his head in response, knowing more than most, the extent of what Noah would have endured. He knew that the Judge made the right choice. Olivia would always be the right choice, for anything; _always. _

While Olivia was always happy to talk about Noah, she was somewhat annoyed over Elliot's choice of question. After everything, after four years of nothing, that was what he thought took precedent. That was his first real, complete sentence to her. Not that she could blame him though, she had given him one hell of a beating, both verbal and physical. Olivia looks at him expectantly, waiting for him to elaborate, respond; to acknowledge and say what was needed to be said.

Thinking back, Elliot was never good at expressing his emotions, to anyone. This difficulty attributed to everything that had ever gone sour for Elliot; his job, his marriage, his partnership. Elliot Stabler was his own were enemy, always was. However, right now, he had a chance to prove himself wrong; to fix the only thing he could. It was too late for Jenna, it was too late as soon as he hit that trigger; it was too late for him and Kathy, that was broken a long time ago, if it wasn't for Eli, they probably would've divorced then. However, maybe, just maybe he wasn't too late this time.

**_"Jenna, no-" Bang. _**

"Liv," he starts, trying to shake the image of Jenna from his mind, "I'll be honest with you, I don't know where to begin, I have so much to say to you, so much you need to hear; that I need to say." He looks down, avoiding eye contact, afraid that she would see right through him.

"Start with why Elliot," Olivia is now rinsing the bottle as she burps Noah, hoping he would settle and sleep, "start with why you never called me back; start with why I had to hear from Cragen that you were never coming back. Maybe start with that?"

He breathed in and out, "It broke me, Liv, it really broke me. Those eyes, Jenna's eyes, they haunt me every day. I killed her goddamn it," trying not to speak too loud, as to not disturb Noah who was slowly drifting off. "I shot her, point blank. And for what? It didn't fix anything, it didn't bring her mother back," her hand goes across the table and squeezes his, Olivia may have been angry, but she could never truly hate Elliot, and not after hearing that. She had used deadly force before several times, granted, it was on a real perp, but she had been there. "I didn't save anyone's life, Olivia, I took one," the words barely audible.

Olivia gets up, and places Noah in the play pen to sleep, as he had dozed off, she comes back and takes Elliot's hand once more, "It's not your fault, Elliot, she still shot those people. There was nothing either one of us could've done to prevent it. She got the gun and chose to use it." Elliot nods in response, knowing she was right. She squeezes his hand once more as his other hand covers Olivia's. The tension in both of them softening.

They had both held onto the rage, the loss and the hurt for so long. It was the only thing that kept either one of them going. It was their safety net, their wall. It was as if holding onto all that pain and anger would stop it continuing. However, the last few months had been different, at least for Olivia, she had Noah, and while she was saving him from a life of abuse and being in the system, he was saving her. That little boy was showing her how to love again, and be vulnerable in a way to be loved. For Elliot, it was today, it was having Olivia back, even if it was only for today, she was there and listening. She was what he needed.

"And it wasn't good enough. You deserved more, the squad deserved more. I," he paused, looking Olivia directly in the eyes for the first time. For a moment he was lost in those eyes, "I just couldn't do it, I couldn't go back there, and honestly, I couldn't bear to face you. I took the coward's way out and I'm sorry, I am so sorry." He lets go of her hands and toys with the medallion she threw back at him, "I thought that this would be enough, that you'd know that I would never leave you. I was your partner, for better or worse." It's now Olivia who avoided looking at him, almost guessing what he was going to say next, "and when I got your message. Your voice, it was so angry and hurt. And I was responsible." He gets up and starts to pace around, trying to quell his temper as to not wake Noah, "I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again, so when I had to choose, I did. That's why I never contacted you, I thought you made your mind up"

In one swift motion her hand moves away from Elliot's and collides with his face, she slaps him again, "Elliot Stabler, how dare you blame _me, _for why it's taken you this long. _How dare you_. Damn right I deserved better," it's now her who is pacing, "I had every right to be angry, I had every right to be hurt. And yes, you had every right to leave, as I said to Cragen, you earned it, but like that? You were my partner; for better or worse. That worked both ways Elliot, both ways," she breathes in deeply and looks up, hoping to stop the tears that were starting to form again. She then takes the medallion out of Elliot's hands, "I didn't get this until after I had called, and just so you know, I called you back. I called you back and Kathy answered," his face fell, "I didn't want to cause any arguments so I hung up, and I thought, I was _certain_ that even if you heard my message, that you would still call back. So many times I thought you would call, I _needed _you to call," both knowing exactly what, or rather who she was referring to. "And when you had to choose? What did you have to choose?" She questions, although, judging by the absence of Kathy and the ring, she already knew.

"Alright," he says still holding his hand against his face, heading towards the freezer to get the pre-prepared icepacks, "I deserve that," referring to the slap. He should've realised that what was said, was in the heat of the moment. God knows he had done it plenty of times. "I'm sorry," is all he can manage.

"You said."

"What did I have to choose?" pausing, deciding to go to the truth, the whole truth, "Kathy asked me to choose you or the kids. I knew I couldn't continue in Special Victims, not if I wanted to keep my marriage, but I'm selfish. I wanted you both, but I couldn't. I was at a crossroads, and after hearing your message, I chose Kathy, or rather the kids," gesturing to his left hand, "and clearly it worked so well. I love my kids, you know that, but I realise now it was the wrong choice, I chose wrong. Something I seem to do well, I guess." _You and this job are all the things I got anymore, I don't want to wreck that, I couldn't take it, _he thought, remembering the day he told her, and he didn't even have that anymore. "And while I've broken everything else in my life, I want to fix this, I _need _to fix this. I can't go back to Special Victims, even if I wanted to. Kathy and I are divorced, and she has a partner, but I can fix this, I know that I can; if you'll let me. Better or worse, Liv, I promise you that. I know you may not believe that, because you had your worse and I wasn't there. But I will be, from now on, I will be."

The silence was so loud. Olivia was shocked. She could understand why Kathy would say that, and why Elliot chose what he did. But to say that he choose wrong, that he wanted to fix this, what did that mean, what did _he _mean?

"Elliot," she paused, needing to take a moment to compose herself. She didn't just have herself to think about anymore, she had Noah, "I don't know what to say, I don't know what you want me to say. It's been four years, El, four years," she stressed, "And I accept your apology and I _hate _myself, because I can't tell you it's too late, because it's not, it could never be too late," she pauses to wipe away the one tear that has escaped. "I hate that despite how long it's been and how much it hurt, I would always accept your apology. But I can't forgive you, not yet. And, to tell me, after four years, that you made the wrong choice, that you will be here now. What does that mean, what are you asking, what do you want?" Elliot moves towards her and extends his hand to wipe away the other tears that are starting to spill over, she moves away, "don't," she warns. She may have forgiven, and she may have finally driven to Queens to _save his ass,_ or something like that, but she wasn't ready for that.

_What do you want, what do you mean?_ He thinks to himself, _can't she see, hear what I want? "__**I can't tell you it's too late, because it's not, it could never be too late."**__ Surely that means she wants it too? _He sighs, fighting the urge to kick or hit something in frustration, "Isn't it obvious, Liv?" he pleads with her, praying she can read his thoughts, relieve the pressure of having to say it out loud, of making it real, only for the fear of rejection.

Time stood still as his words played back in her mind. **_"Isn't it obvious, Liv?" _**It was, it was so painfully obvious what he was trying to say to her, but she needed to hear it, out loud. And she wanted it too, didn't she? She knew with every fibre of her being that she wanted Elliot Stabler, she has wanted that since 1999. And now, he was single and she was single. It was perfect, wasn't it? But she was damaged goods, her relationship with Cassidy ended because of that; was she really ready for intimacy of any kind. She has just taken on the responsibility of Noah, was Olivia ready to take on the responsibility of another child?

He's looking at her, waiting for her to respond. Olivia hadn't felt this nervous since her Sargent's exam. Slowly, she breathes in and out several times, hoping Noah would wake up so she could leave; but did that make her any better than him? "I don't know Elliot, is it?" They both crack a dry laugh, _answering a question with another question. _

"Goddamn it, Olivia, you know what I'm trying to say. You've always known."

Olivia thinks of the twelve years they spent together. She thinks of all the times that he put himself on the line for her, put his job, his marriage on the line for her. He even mortgaged his house so she could make bail. If this was happening four years ago, it wouldn't need saying, not at all, because she knew, she always knew. But now? Four years down the track, four years of silence, it needed saying.

She shakes her head in frustration, "Quit, the cryptic crap, Elliot, and say it, just say it," she looks at him and breaths in, contemplating her next words, "You said it yourself, you couldn't bring yourself to say goodbye_. _You once said that the job and me was all you had and you didn't want to mess it up, but you did Elliot, you messed it up, really, _really _well. ****You promised me better or worse, you left me with the idea that you'd always be faithful. You promised me your kidney. I drove here, with my son, on a Sunday to see you, and I'm still not sure why, but I did. Just now you said that you will _be here now, _that you want to _fix _this. Whatever's left of it, so fix it Elliot, man up and say it," she breathes out in a huff.

She was right, she was one hundred percent right. He promised her those things, long ago, when Olivia Benson was not the woman he should've been making those promises too, but he did. Now he had nothing to show for it, but sore cheek and a cut on his finger from that damn pickle jar. This was his chance to make it right, his do-over; his, to make _something _right, and he couldn't do it, he was scared and it killed him.

Noah started to stir, "Noah's waking up. I think you should go."

"Really?" Olivia shakes her head, clearly hurt, and it was because of him there was no denying that and they both knew it_. _"If that's how you want to play it. Fine." She packs up Noah's things and picks him up, whispering and kissing him on the forehead. She then comes back to Elliot and looks him square in the face, "but if you think, for one second that I will drive out here again, that I will forgive you _again_, then I don't know, Elliot, I just don't know," and with that she walked out the door.

**a/n. I apologize to every Bensler fan. I am undecided if it should end here or continue. Do you think Olivia made the right choice by walking out? Or do you think that Elliot deserves another chance? Should Kathy or one of the other kids come back and give some advice to Elliot? I have a few conclusions in mind, but in the end it's really up to what you want to read and what you want to happen to Olivia and Elliot. Will Bensler be endgame? Please please please review! **


	7. Chapter 7: And He Ran

**a/n Thanks so much for the reviews! I love that you all love this too! Usually I like longer chapters, but I feel like the next part deserves a chapter of it's own. I've taken on all your advice, thanks to V269, as they partly inspired this chapter. Thanks to everyone else who reviewed and wanted Elliot to man up and go after Liv. As I have had mixed advice of bringing in/back more Stabler's, I won't at this stage, except for maybe Eli just depends on how the story progresses. Also, please let me know if you want any of the squad brought in ect. Thanks for the reads, favourites, follows and reviews :)**

Elliot hears the sound of the ignition and is already out the door, praying that she'll stay and hear him out, give him the chance he doesn't really deserve. It's too late and she's already reversed out the driveway and is halfway down the street. He looks around the empty street, goes back inside and slams the door, immediately a chair goes flying across the Queens apartment. He'd done it again, Elliot Stabled had not only allowed, but had basically given Olivia Benson no other option than to walk out of his life again. It may have been her who did the walking, but it was still Elliot that let her, again.

He starts pacing around the apartment, "you selfish, son of a bitch, Elliot," he screams out loud, feeling that one vein in his forehead throb like it always does when he's angry. Not only had he left her with no explanation, no goodbye, but after everything she went through the last year, he decides to disturb the life she has built for herself, the life she had to build and rebuild time and time again without him; all because he was lonely.

Granted, Olivia didn't have to drive out here, or even listen to him, but she did. She always did, time and time again. Elliot of all people was well aware that Olivia didn't forgive or forget easily, that her trust was hard to earn but easy to break. He also know that Olivia hid behind that tough exterior. Elliot knew this more than most, and was one of the few people who managed to break it down. There was a time where instead of being in front, he was behind those walls, and he was determined to get there again, even if it took him the rest of his life, Olivia Benson would forgive and trust him again.

Elliot knew that he has loved and been in love with Olivia Benson, he's known this for sixteen years, but it never stopped him from wondering if she deserved him, or if he deserved her. Was he worthy of the love that he knew Olivia could give him? He realized far too late that she had given that love for twelve years, and in his own way he gave it back, but not in the way Olivia needed or deserved. God, he wasn't even worthy of the love Kathy had given him for more than half of his life.

Olivia deserved someone who was stable, who never left and was never going to leave. Someone who was going to make her laugh and smile. Someone who knows and accepts things about her that even she can't. Olivia needed someone who would be a good father for Noah, even though she was capable of being both for him. Someone who compliments and brings out the best in her. Was that man Elliot Stabler?

He knew in his heart of hearts that Olivia Benson was the one for him. The one that brought out the best in him, that kept him stable, but did that mean that he really deserved her? Or that she deserved to be stick with someone like Elliot, who was always too pigheaded to realize what he had with Olivia, or Kathy for that matter.

_You're the longest relationship I've ever had with a Man. _The memory of that conversation is still fresh in his mind. Was that her way of saying she loved him? And was he too blinded by duty and faith to see it? It was so long ago, was he too late?

He stops pacing and rubs his hands over his head and he bends down and exhales. _Everyone I've ever truly loved I've lost, _again he was too blinded by himself, by his ego to realize what she said, what she meant.

Once again Elliot was out the door, and he started running. The difference is, this time it was to Olivia.


	8. Chapter 8: A Welcomed Distraction

**A/N I've decided to mix things up and have a weekend case thrown into the mix, just to give our characters a bit of a curveball, which will hopefully work in someone's favour :P I also wanted to bring in Fin, simply because I adore him, and he cares a lot about Liv, and is the only squad member left who knows both Elliot as well as the history between Olivia and Elliot. I also wanted to show Olivia balancing motherhood and work life. So do what you do best and read and review. **

Meanwhile, Olivia was doing her best to hold it together while driving home. She was angry for so many reasons, partly due to the fact she didn't get to tell him everything, but even more so that she went out on a limb for him, thinking that maybe, maybe this was it. He came so close, so incredibly close to saying the words that Olivia wanted to hear, needed to hear. While she was nowhere near being able to forgive him, if he said those words, she could let him in, again; and instead he ran away from it. _He used my son as a scapegoat, _she thought, and beeped her horn in frustration. Thankfully, Noah was still blissfully asleep.

Then again, if she wasn't willing to admit it to herself, let alone Elliot, how could she expect him to? _Because you didn't leave, Olivia, you didn't leave for four years, _she thought to herself.

Their partnership hasn't been without its ups and downs that was obvious. There had been times where both of them had run away from each other, and it was always for the wrong reasons; but each time they came back and worked hard to rebuild it. But this time? This time was different, so different.

Olivia thinks back to those times where they had both walked away 'for the sake of their jobs'. She always knew exactly why she needed to walk away_, because partners can't be partners_, it just doesn't work that way. Deep down, she knew that that was always Elliot's motives too. The defining factor in their entire history was that they always came back to each other. _Maybe this was Elliot finally coming back, _she thought. Noah's laughing and gurgling emanating from the back of her car brought her back to the present.

She arrives back home and places Noah, who is now wide awake on the play mat, which seemed to be permanently glued from to her, courtesy of Nick, and attempts to get started on the mountain of paper work which she had earlier neglected.

Every now and then Olivia looks over at her son, _this was true happiness, _she thought to herself. It was all she's ever wanted, not in the way that she had always envisioned, but it was true happiness. However, there was still a part of her, however small it might be, that still ached for the Rockwellian portrait, not that she'd ever tell anyone.

**_"_****_You're the longest relationship I've ever had with a man." _**

It was true then, and it was true now. She shakes her head, and gets up to make herself a coffee, attempting to distance her thoughts from the events of both the past and today and finally get through the paperwork.

She's about halfway through the stack of paperwork when her phone rings, she curses out loud, not needing anymore distractions for today, she breathes out a sigh of relief; it's Fin, "Benson."

She welcomes the idea of a case, something to distract her from herself. She starts packing up her paperwork, while simultaneously chugging down the remainders of her coffee, only to be interrupted by Noah's laughter, she sighs, and curses again. Lucy was away in the Hamptons for the weekend, "Looks like you're coming to work with Mumma today," she says as she picks him up, he replies with a gurgle.

Once again they're back in the car and on their way. Olivia arrives at the precinct, Noah on her hip, everyone is busing around her, and she sneaks into her office, placing Noah on the ground, quickly ensuring that there was nothing he could get into. A police precinct may not be the best place for a small child, but it was better than nothing.

Fin comes in to give her the details of the case, as he opens the door he is greeted by Noah, "Why hello there, ma main man," he looks to Olivia, "didn't realize it was take your baby to work day?" he teases as he takes a seat across from her.

She looks up at him rubbing her temples, "well Lucy is in the Hamptons for the weekend, so I really didn't have an option," she puts her hand out to take the case file.

"Eveythin' okay, Liv?" he hands her the file, and looks at her with great concern, sensing that something was up. She smiled. It was great knowing that someone always had her back, and it was even better knowing that person was Fin.

"**_I actually watch her back, not her backside." _**

_Where do I start? "_Yeah, it's fine, just been awhile since I've come in on the weekend, and I was looking forward to spending it with Noah," remembering what happened, or rather, who she met, last time she came in on a weekend. Her whole body flexes and shudders at the memory. _And Elliot just called me out of the blue, he's divorced and I don't even know. _

Fin also remembers,"Awh, Liv, I didn't think."

She shakes it off, "It's okay Fin, it's been close on a year, and duty calls."

He nods and studies her, knowing that there is more than she's letting on and it's not the memory of Lewis, "forgot you're a baby Mumma now," he says, attempting to lighten the mood. He starts to elaborate on the case at hand, and looks at Olivia, he notices that she seemed distracted, and not by Noah. "There's somethin' else bothering you, spill."

Fin always knows how to read her, she looks and sighs, knowing she'd have to tell him sooner or later, she gets up and shuts the door. Even though, the rest of the people in the squad room would know who Elliot was, she needed the privacy. Olivia stands against the door, not sure where to begin, she was still trying to understand everything herself.

"Elliot," is all she manages to get out. Fin looks at her confused, prompting her to elaborate. "He um, I, I saw him today," she nods and bites her lip as she says this. Her and Fin always had a brother sister relationship, and wasn't sure how he would react.

"What do you mean you saw Elliot, like you ran into him?" he was clearly annoyed.

"No, I mean he called me, twice actually," she puts her hands in the pockets on her pants and walks back to her desk, "and he, um asked me to meet him so I did." She breathes out heavily and sits back at her desk, placing her hands on the desk. She opens up the case file, hoping Fin would drop the subject.

"You mean after four years, he calls you and you come runnin'? Jesus, Liv, I thought you were better than that," he shakes his head, clearly disappointed.

"Fin," she starts, avoiding eye contact, "it's not like that, it wasn't like that. I didn't go running. He was my partner for twelve years. I gave him a chance, and I realize I shouldn't have," by now she's managed to skim enough notes to know how to proceed. She picks Noah up and hands Fin back the file, she opens the door mentioning them to move outside.

"Liv-,"

"That's all you need to know," she senses he's about to say more, "and may I remind you, Detective Tutuola, that I am the Sergeant and Commanding Officer of this Squad, so when I say drop it, you drop it." She never liked pulling rank, especially on someone like Fin, but her weekend was already ruined, she didn't need Fin on her back.

"Don't pull that, that crap on me Liv, I know both you and Stabler too well for that," he says in a hushed voice, "you've been through hell, with and without him. Just be careful, that's all I'm sayin'," he paused, "you weren't the only one he walked away from." Fin walks back to join Amanda, Nick and Dominic, the new guy.

It wasn't just her who Elliot left behind or hurt, and it was only now that Olivia truly realized this. This put a whole new perspective on everything. It wasn't just Olivia's trust that he had to earn, but Fin's, and even though Munch was now working for the DA's office, and Cragen was enjoying retirement, he still walked away from them too. Elliot hadn't just walked away from one partnership, but all four of them, and that wasn't okay, and wasn't going to be fixed overnight.

"Serg," she nods to Noah, "little Serg," Amanda greeted both Oliva and Noah. She gesture made her smile, while things were still tense between them, but they were slowing improving. Olivia's respect for the detective was growing, slowly, but surely it was growing. Olivia was never sure why her and Amanda never clicked, maybe because she reminded Olivia a little of her when she started at Special Victims, or because she was so incredibly headstrong that they both clashed, or a little of both.

"Thanks, for all coming here on the weekend, Fin's briefed me on the attack, at this stage it appears that we don't have any suspects" she turns to Dominic, "Carisi, you and Rollins can go to the hospital, see if she's awake and if she remembers anything, voice, smell, clothing, anything we can use to ID the perp." He might be extremely new, but the way he handled both the homeless man and the young girls with the Glasgowman case was incredible and Olivia was looking forward to see what else he could do. Both nod in response.

She turns to face Nick and Fin, only maintaining eye contact with Nick, "Nick and Fin, go down to where she was found with CSU and see what you can find, maybe see if you can get ahold of any street cameras. I'll contact Barba as soon as we have something," she nods, at the detectives, dismissing them. Fin hangs around longer than necessary, "did you need further instructions, Detective Tutuola?"

"Uh, no Sergeant," clearly sensing her mood, "just, take care, and keep me posted?"

"Yeah, it'll be fine," she pats his arm, "just get our perp," she appreciated the concern, but right now, her priority was the perpetrator and the victim, not her personal dramas.

The squad room is oddly silent. In all Olivia's sixteen years at Special Victims Unit, she never realized how empty the room was without the bustling of detectives. While Olivia was completely humbled by the opportunity to become Commanding Officer, she missed being out on the field, and missed the somewhat fatherly love and support of Cragen. She uses this opportunity to get back to the paperwork she has neglected all morning, praying Noah would doze off again, although, by the way Noah was crawling around her office, the chances were slim to none.

Her phone rings again, _does this thing ever shut up?, _she check the caller ID, praying there is one, it was Nick, "Benson," she answered, hoping he had found something for them to go on.

"Yeah, so CSU, found some blood, could be the vic's, not sure; a used condom and footprints, hopefully, we can match something to our perp. Fin's hitting the nearby café's, seeing if anyone heard or saw something. Rollins' called, said the kit is done, but the girl won't talk."

_Always the way_, she thinks, "Thanks Nick, I'll give both Baraba and Warner a heads up. Hopefully we can have enough DNA evidence to run it through the system or something, keep me posted." Sadly, the news of DNA was the best thing that Olivia had heard all day.


	9. Chapter 9: What's another few Hours?

Meanwhile, after what seemed a lifetime, Elliot had finally made it up the stairs to Olivia's apartment. He was breathing heavy, feeling the stitch that was forming in his side; his face was covered in sweat, but that didn't matter, he was here now. He knocks on the door, nothing. He knocks again, still no response. He groans holding his side, "Liv," he breathes out, "it's me, it's Elliot," he looks around, "goddamn it Liv!" he practically punches the door now as he slides down, exhausted. "You're mad, rightfully so, but please let me in," he's almost crying, surely she wouldn't ignore him.

He gives up, not giving a damn who might hear him, he didn't care; he had to say it, hoping she would hear him, "I screwed up, Liv. I screwed up bad, I hurt you," he pauses, breathing still ragged, "I know that I hurt you, and it hurt me too. Walking away from you was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you and that job were the only things I had going for me, and I lost you both." Elliot's head hits the back of her door, "you went out on a limb for me today, you gave me a chance I probably never deserved in the first place, but you gave it to me, and I threw it back in your face. I wasn't there four years ago, I wasn't there twelve months ago, but I'm here now, if you'll have me. When I said I was going to fix this, I mean it, Liv. Even if it takes me the rest of my life I will fix this, _us." _

He breathes in and out, he's past the point of no return, Elliot doesn't know for certain she's listening, or if she's even there, but he's come this far. "Olivia," he says like a prayer, "I don't know if you're in there, I don't know if you're listening, but Goddamn it, Liv, I love you." He's said it, sixteen years and he's finally said it, it's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, "I love you, and Goddamn it I know you love me too," he pauses, "at least, you did…"

He extends his legs out, continuing with the monologue, oblivious to the fact that Olivia is miles away at the precinct, "I don't deserve you, I don't deserve your love," he thinks back over their twelve year partnership, "I never did," the last three words barely audible.

"But I love you Olivia Benson, and I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you," he realizes that even as stubborn as Olivia is, she would've come out by now, "and you're not here, I declare my love for you, and you're not here," he starts laughing putting his hand over his eyes, his laughing edges towards crying, something Elliot still never felt comfortable doing, "I've waited sixteen years for this moment, what's another few hours," he says out loud to himself. He contemplates calling her, just to be sure, but decides against it, he didn't need to hear the rejection ring through the door. He knew she had to open up, or come home eventually.

**A/N Sorry about the extremely short chapter, but I think this will work well in Elliot's favour. **


	10. Chapter 10: How Many Chances Do You Want

**A/N. Sorry about the almost 12mth break, have been super busy with work, study and then my computer crashed losing all my files, including this original chapter. I'm still planning on continuing it down the same path. Thank you all for constantly reading and reviewing. I know I'm about a season behind, so I am considering a time jump to a few eps, or an entire jump to the current season. Please let me know what you think. Enjoy **

The familiar trill of her cell phone was enough to make Olivia jump out of her chair, _good, he decided to apologise, _she thought. She checked the message only to see that it was from Melinda. The DNA had a match of a parolee fresh out of Rickers. Immediately she updated both Barba and Fin on the situation. In a messed up way, this was honestly the best part of her day so far; a somewhat open and shut case.

She put the phone down and glanced over at Noah who, after many foiled attempts to destroy the office, was finally asleep. She quietly chuckled to herself, wondering if Cragen ever imagined his office being turned into a day care. Although, if Olivia had her way, she wouldn't be exposing Noah to this world, not again. Her eyes flickered between her paperwork and her phone. It sat there on the corner of her desk, mocking her with its deafening silence. She was certain that he would've called by now, then again, this was Elliot Stabler. The man who walked out on their twelve-year partnership without a second word, or so she was lead to believe. This was also the same Elliot Stabler who took out a mortgage to save her ass, who made her believe, yet doubt everything she thought she knew. Had the ability to make her feel so incredibly whole, and empty with just a look. He was a sickness and her cure. He was everything; a perfect contradiction.

Olivia was certain that he wanted to make amends, otherwise why would he call her? Their most recent conversation plays through her head.

_**"Goddamn it, Olivia, you know what I'm trying to say. You've always known." **_

He was right, she has always known, hadn't she? At least she thought she did. Olivia had spent the last sixteen years analysing every look, word, touch, convincing herself it was nothing more than friendship, nothing more than concern for a partner. For her though, it was everything, and now she had a chance, _they, _had a chance to admit it, and Elliot, or rather Olivia was asked to walk away. She grabbed her phone off the desk and started to pace around the office, rhythmically flipping the phone around, wondering if she should call. What if this was their chance? That by the grace of God, or whatever higher power, today was their chance and they were both too pigheaded to realise. She laughed and shook her head, _classic Benson and Stabler, _she thought.

Hearing the all familiar commotion of brining a suspect in for questioning brought Olivia back to the present. Looking at the time, she realised that it was getting late and Noah would be needing a bath and dinner before it got too cold. The squad appeared to have everything under control, and somehow all the reports were up to date.

She packed up hers and Noah's things and picked him up, just as he was stirring, "hey, precious boy," she kissed his head, drinking in his innocent baby scent, "ready to head home now?"

She had a quick debrief with the squad. Thankfully the perp confessed straight away. He would then be held at Rickers pending a plea bargain, but that was both Barba's and tomorrows problem. Olivia said her goodbye's to her squad and congratulated them on a successful case. Trying not to disclose her current state of mind.

"Liv, you gotta minute?" Fin asked.

"Depends, on what that next sentence is Fin."

"Just wanted to apologise, I was out of line, and you're a big girl, you can look after yourself."

She smiled and put her hand over Fin's signature black leather coat, giving him an affection squeeze, "you weren't," her voice slightly catching, "you're entitled to be angry as well. He left all of us," she paused, "I will keep you posted though."

"Thanks, Liv. We all love you, remember that."

She nodded in reply and they went their separate ways.

Meanwhile, after what felt like an eternity, Olivia finally made it through the hectic Manhattan traffic. She had stopped off on the way home for Chinese, after a day like today she deserved all twelve of those egg rolls. Her mind drifted to the many stakeout and egg roll fights her and Elliot had. No matter, what he always gave her the last egg roll. "Stop it, Liv," she cursed herself.

The sound of footsteps and the familiar smell of Chinese was enough to stir a sleeping Elliot, he looked up, to see Olivia and Noah in the corridor, she was loaded up with her worn briefcase, diaper bag, her toddler along with the Chinese. He got up and ran to her, seeing that something was about to drop. He grabbed the diaper bag off her shoulder.

Usually Olivia, would have responded to that with a swift kick to the testicles, however toddlers and self-defence weren't a great combination. She looked up to see who it was, and nearly dropped everything, "Elliot," she breathed. Feeling as if the air was knocked was completely knocked out of her. What was he doing here? Why was he helping her? Why did he still have that effect on her? After their confrontation and lack of communication today, he still made her feel everything.

"Can I take something else?" he asked, gesturing to the many bags and toddler on her arm.

Noah's pudgy little arms reached out to Elliot, "him apparently," she said while trying to catch her breath and composure. Elliot came closer to grab Noah, the smell of his cologne mixed with sweat was intoxicating and it made it hard to think, "how long have you been here for?" she queried as she unlocked her apartment door and headed inside.

"Um, not that long," he said as he placed Noah on his playmat.

"Elliot."

He rubbed his hand over his face, and laughed. She saw right through him, always did, "all afternoon."

Olivia looked at him, or rather through him, into his entire being, knowing that there was more to the story. "I didn't see your car anywhere," she paused, thinking as to why he would be so sweaty, "oh my god, you ran here didn't you?" she couldn't believe it, the man who ran away from everything ran to her.

"Yes. I couldn't let you leave my life again and wait another four years to man up to contact you again. I just couldn't. I meant what I said, Liv, whatever is left of us, I want it, I _need _it."

She closed her eyes breathed in long and slow, trying to calm the many thoughts going through her head, "Well, that's all well and good, Elliot, but I also meant what I said, if you think I will forgive you, _again…"_

"I'm not asking for forgiveness, Liv, just a chance," he pleaded.

She couldn't believe it, she picked up Noah to get him ready for a bath, Elliot followed, trying not to watch her as she walked, "How many chances do you want Elliot?" she turned around and faced him, desperately trying not to look him in the eyes, "How many times do you think I can break my heart for you?"

Those words hit him like bullet to the chest, a feeling he was all too familiar with, "You're right," he started.

"Damn well I'm right," she said in between the inconsequential conversation between her and Noah.

Elliot sighed and sat on the edge of the closed toilet, and he couldn't help but imagine what this could be like, without all the anger and resentment. The two of them sharing bath time with her child, _their _child. He remembered back to when his own children needed music and toys to bathe, and how many of those he missed out on. He pinched the bridge on his nose, trying to decide the right way to proceed. He only had one chance to say this, and it had to be right. "I can't, nor do I expect you to give me another chance, Liv. I don't deserve it. So you don't need to give it to me," Olivia gave him a quizzical look as she picked her toddler out of the bath and started to dry him, and getting him ready for dinner. "All I ask is that you listen, and let me talk."

She nodded in response, looking at Elliot's face, studying his features, her face crinkled in an attempt to not smile at the slight swelling on his face from their earlier interaction today. He noticed the change in her facial features, knowing that expression all too well. "What?" he asked.

"Nothing," she shook her head as she left the bathroom, "it's just I think the red swelling suits you."

His hand rubbed against where hers collided. He could almost still feel her warmth and energy radiating. He chuckled in response, hoping that would be the last time she would respond like that.

He leaned against the couch, indulging in the almost comfortable silence as Olivia went through her normal routine with Noah, Elliot couldn't help but smile, motherhood suited her. Olivia got up and left the room, to put Noah to bed all too aware of the silence and tension in the room. The way that Elliot was watching her was making her feel things that she had long since given up on.

She took this time to take some slow concentrated breaths, preparing her for the conversation ahead. She was so sure where it was heading and what he was going to say, but then again, she thought she knew that this morning.

After what seemed like a lifetime, she came back to the room. She looked around, and hated how right Elliot looked sitting on her sofa. "Egg roll?"

"Sure."

They then sat side by side. Even though they weren't touching, there was this incredible energy and warmth between the two of them. All that could be heard was the two of them breathing, it was deafening. _Don't let me down again, Elliot, I beg you. _Olivia thought to herself, she let out a sigh and closed her eyes, "I'm listening," she paused, "but don't make me regret it," _please don't make me regret it. _

_Now or never Stabler, _he thought to himself, _now or never._


	11. Chapter 11:This Is Me Saying It

**A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, but I felt that this needed to be posted on it's own, just for the suspense. I'm sure you all have your own idea's of whats going to happen. Feel free to PM your ideas, I'd be interested in what you all think. But never fear Badass Benson will make an appearance soon I promise. **

He moved forward, placing his elbows on his knees, holding his head in them, "I said before that I didn't know where to start, that there were so many things that I needed to say, and explain," he paused, looking over at Olivia, trying to read her face, "I thought that I should start at that day" he continued, "but, that is in the past and I can't change it, as much as I wish I could, _God_, Liv, I wish I could, but I can't." He turns his head so he's looking directly at her, even in the muted light, tired she was beautiful, tragically beautiful he thought.

She nods, urging him to continue. "I wish I could change the past four years, but I can't."

Olivia breaths in and puts her head against the couch, "I know I said I would listen Elliot, but you're talking about the past and wanting to change things, but as you said you can't. But you can change the present, the future," _our future_, she thought.

In a bold move he grabbed her hand, and paused, she didn't pull it away, so he continued, "That's my point, Liv." He looked into her eyes, her beautiful warm brown eyes, praying this would work, he swallowed hard leaning closer till their noses were almost touching.

_For the love of God, just say it Elliot, please, _Olivia thought to herself. She had imagined this moment for sixteen years, she had half a mind to stop him, but it felt so _good, _so _right. _Memories of the past filled her mind. So many moments like this, so close, yet so far away, except for now. Elliot was there, he had literally run from Queens to her apartment, he had waited outside of her door for four hours. Granted, it was nothing compared to the four years she had waited for him to come back. But it was a start.

"Consider this," he was so close now they could feel each other's breath on their lips, he lifted his other hand to caress her cheek, "me saying, _it." _


	12. Chapter 12: The Moment

His face was closer and closer and in the back of her mind, she tried reminding herself of her anger and resentment to this man, this incredible, selfish jerk of man who left her. Who walked away from her, who came back into her life; lift her up so high just to bring her back down again. In contrast, this was also the same man who saw all of her, _knew _all of her and accepted her for it, almost relished in her for it. He understood her, and yes he questioned and doubted her, but he risked _everything_ for her, always did. This moment in itself was a risk, wasn't it? The past 24hrs were a risk, and he took it, for her. That meant something didn't it?

Everything was in slow motion, like an out of body experience, a painfully exquisite experience. His lips, his soft kissable lips were moving but she couldn't hear a word, she was too mesmerised or shocked to be able to register anything more than what was in front of her. Sixteen years of waiting, hoping and praying for this moment to happen. She tried to just focus on her breathing, which was difficult as all she could hear or feel was his breath on her lips.

Their lips collided, and it was like electricity; like sixteen years of anger, resentment, hurt, _love, _had come down to this very moment. He held what had invaded his entire life, consumed his entire heart, mind body and soul in his hands. Elliot was soft and cautious, hoping and praying that Olivia understood and felt it too.

While both of them were experienced in this field, it was like everything finally made sense, why it never worked with anyone else, why they had gone through so much pain and anguish, like this moment was their reward, their sanctuary. Like they could smell the colours in the air.

He could feel her hand moving up his chest, and she could feel his heart beating beneath it. It took all the strength she could muster to push him away. His heart broke.

She looked down and sighed, "El…" Olivia couldn't bear to meet his gaze.

"Liv," he breathed, he had let go of her lips but his hand had now slipped behind to the nape of her neck, their foreheads just touching.

This moment broke her heart, she wanted him, all of him, for so long, and despite everything, she wanted him now. "I…" she sighed, deciding to look into his eyes. She was taken aback, she has never seen him so purposely vulnerable before, it made her heart skip a beat. "El…" she was a loss for words, she stood up, desperately needing the breathing space. Elliot leaned back and let her go. She walked over to her kitchen counter, need something solid, something without a heartbeat to steady her.

Elliot got up and followed her, standing at the opposite edge looking at her, he was so sure that he had finally done the right thing, and now, he just didn't know. "Liv, _please." _

"No. Elliot. You," she ran her fingers through her hair, trying to hold back the tears, _breathe in and out, "_Why?"

_Wasn't it obvious? _he thought.

"It isn't fair" she breathed in before continuing, "you have this power over me, you make me feel things, and, and I just I can't. I can't take it anymore, you had me in the palm of your hand for twelve years, Elliot. I risked my life, my shield," she stops for a moment, "my _heart, _for you. And I know you did the same. But I wasn't the one who walked away from that. It was you, and you broke me, Elliot."

"Liv, I-

"No, you broke me, and now you're back, talking about fixing things and us and chances, and, then you kick me out of your house, only to come after me, throw yourself in my life, _again. _And I think, this is it, he's going to say it, but in classic Stabler fashion, you're all action and no talk. You sit there and you say **_consider this, me saying it,_** Goddamn it, Elliot, it's not good enough!" she's close to hysteria now, the tears are running and she's trying so hard to remain somewhat composed as to not wake Noah, "I need more, _I deserve more._"

The words hit him hard, and she was right, again. He walks around the bench, needing to touch her, feel her warmth again. She backs away and shakes her head. "No, Elliot, you don't get to make me feel like this," she warns.

"Feel like what?"

"Like I'm spinning into infinity." _Like you're everything I need and more. _Despite her protests he envelops her in his warm embrace, something she's all too familiar with. "I hate you," she whispers into his chest. It was a lie and they both knew it. He holds on tighter, feeling her broken heart beat in time with his.

"You have every right to."

Olivia pushes him harder and break away from his embrace, "god it's like I'm talking to a wall," she argues, "it's like we're having the same conversation _again, _just a different location_" _and like earlier today she starts pacing around the room. _Just please, don't let it be as heartbreaking and disappointing, _she thinks.

Elliot stops and ponders this thought. Yet again Olivia was right. It was the same conversation again, she was pouring her heart out to him, and he was being a coward. Once again, the situation, the mood was so painfully obvious, and that kiss has reconfirmed everything, but it still wasn't enough. These were the words that Elliot had wanted to say sixteen years ago, but couldn't for so many reasons, and now, those reasons weren't there anymore. What was stopping him?

Was this how their past, present and future would be? A constant circle of heartbreak and disappointment. Olivia opening what was left of her heart for Elliot, just to have him take what little there was and never return. They both deserved more, and he knew that. Elliot was the one now crying, he needed to say those words, she needed to hear those words.

People talk about those moments in life that define them as a person, where you're at a cross roads and the moment you have to choose is so fleeting that that if you blink you miss it. Elliot Stabler had faced plenty of those in his life, but somehow always managed to take the worse option. He thought back over his life, to each moment. The first, and most prominent was Kathy, or Maureen rather. He chose to marry Kathy, bring Maureen into a married, "stable" home. He loved all five of his children, and strongly believed that they were the only good thing he ever did, but was it the right choice? Was it right to do something, all for the sake of honour and normalcy? Then there was his split from Kathy, another moment, a glimmer of hope and promise, which once again he ruined with his hot headed behaviour. Admittedly, this behaviour did result in redemption and a second chance in the form of his beautiful baby boy, but it left someone else broken. Flashing forward almost six years later, it was Jenna, and he couldn't bear to think about it again. But it was this very moment, this beautiful, damaged moment was right in front of him, this moment has consumed his soul for sixteen years. This moment needed him more, than ever, and believed in him and _loved, _him, all of him. The choice was in his hands, all he had to do was make it.


	13. Chapter 13: One Perfect Shot

**A/N: Felt like I hadn't had a flash back for awhile, hope you all enjoy! **

By this stage Elliot had tuned out of whatever tirade Olivia was on about, he took a deep breath as if he may never breath again, _you said it before, say it again, _he coaches himself.

"I LOVE YOU!" it was like this incredible weight was lifted off his shoulders. Elliot had never felt freer than he did in this very moment. It only took his entire life, but Elliot Stabler, finally took the plunge. However, Olivia's face did not look the way he expected it to. He felt ill, suddenly he couldn't breathe.

Olivia was taken aback, moments ago, she was practically screaming at him, wondering why he had to do this to her, time and time again. Wishing and praying he would just man up and say it. Yes, he was right, she knew it, and felt it, always had. It was obviously, painfully obvious, to everyone around them, their squad, his children, his _wife. _IAB and Tucker knew. She wanted to scream it back, to take him in her arms and never let go. This was the first time in her entire life, Olivia Benson, outside of Noah, felt completely whole, and wanted and necessary.

_Say something, you idiot. _

Elliot's words echoed her thoughts, "Liv, say something, anything. Please, Liv. I am begging you."

All she could do was cry, but it was a different cry, she slowly slid down the wall she was previously leaning against. She couldn't stop crying, _what is wrong with you? _

_What have I done? _He thought, _you're supposed to fix her, this was supposed to fix her._ Elliot ran over and sat on the floor beside her, wrapping his arms around her. She leaned into him, and a began to stain his shirt with a mixture of mascara, tears and snot. He didn't care.

"Elliot," she begins, trying to find the right words to say. There were so many words and feelings; memories and images flashing through her head right now. Ones of her holding his bloody body, screaming for a bus. Pacing the halls of Mercy, praying he'd never need that kidney. Through to his face on that fateful day. She's remembering all the times since that she wished he would come bursting through the doors. Her hands instinctively trace over some of her scars, Elliot watches her, trying to decipher what she was thinking and feeling.

Olivia turns slightly to look at his face, which was uncharacteristically soft and vulnerable, something she had only been privy to once or twice, "do you know how long I've wanted to hear that, _needed _to hear that?"

And do you know how long I spent hating myself for that, thinking that I was delusional to think someone, anyone, especially you could love me? And I waited so long for you, now you're back, and you waited outside my door for hours, and I'm still trying to figure out how you knew where to go-"

"Connections," he interjects and is met with her infamous look, which made him feel both weak at the knees and scared at the same time.

"Let me yell at you and hit you," she continues, "only to have you tell me that you love me. I just," she stops to compose herself, and can't help but note how well, even after all this time, they fit together, like each other's missing piece.

"I just, I have more than me to think about, we both do," referring to both of their young boys especially, "and I need to be sure that you're saying it because, well because it's true, not because it's what I want to hear." Her words barely audible, Olivia bites down on her lip, trying to read Elliot.

He closes his eyes, only wishing that she was here all those hours ago, to hear what he had said, although he couldn't blame her for thinking and feeling that way. She said it herself, everyone she loved had left her. Elliot knows that he left her before, and he wasn't going to make that mistake again.

"Liv, you know me, more that I know myself. I never say anything I don't mean," he began, "I was honest and I meant what I said earlier today, I will be here now-,"

"For better or worse," she half mocks the trademark statement.

"Yes. For better or worse. And I will fix this. I will fix _us, _I will spend the rest of my life proving this, if you let me. I love you Olivia, I always have and I know you do too."

Silence.

"Come on, Liv," he says, trying desperately to control his emotions, something the former detective has always struggled with, "we spent sixteen years knowing but denying it. Nothing, no one, but us are in our way. No marriage, Tucker, nothing."

_No one, but us are in our way. _Out of everything Elliot just said, this is what hits her the most. It was probably the most accurate thing he has ever said. It was true. They were both as stubborn as each other. They both been hurt and people leaving was so normal that pushing others away was the only way to cope; to be in control. They had this ability to bring out the best and the worst in each other.

"I love you," he begs.

She shakes her head, the concept, this moment, it's too much, too foreign.

Elliot realises that he's fighting a losing battle. He knew, he absolutely knew that she loved him too. He knew that she wouldn't be reacting like this if she didn't. Elliot was also far too aware of the heartache he put her through, and he was foolish to think it would be this easy. He sniffs, and his voice is thick with heartache, "It's alright," and begins to get up.

"I'm sorry," Olivia says as she watches him walk away. Then it hits her, like it was only yesterday;

**_"You better make sure you take me out with one shot. One perfect, _****perfect, ****_shot," she was poised, she was ready. But Elliot, the gun was there, right it's there. His life, was in her hands and she couldn't take it. _****But what if I do it, she thought, oh god, what if I don't? ****_Their partnership had already caused one fatality; it didn't need to cause another. _**

**_Looking at Elliot's face she committed it all to memory It was as if it was the last time she would ever see him again. Right on cue, as if he could read her mind, "It's alright," it was barely audible, but she heard it. _**

**_Gitano was ready, Elliot was ready, Olivia was ready, "I'm sorry." _**

**_-bang._**

Elliot slamming her door brought her back to the present, "shit," she jumps up and kicks the wall, cursing again.

Always in sync, Elliot remembers that day as well, the day that confirmed everything for him. When he chose her, consequences be damned.

**_"If you had a choice between saving your partner or saving a member of the public, which would you do?" _**

**_"My partner, and a boy died." _**

**_"I wish I didn't…"_**

**_"Care so much? That's what makes you a great partner, Elliot." _**

**_"What about me?"_**

**_"Look, we chose each other over the job and that can't happen again, otherwise we can't be partners."_**

Almost as quickly as he had left she checks on her sleeping son, and runs out the door, and she sees his back at the end of her hall, "Elliot," she calls out, "Elliot, wait," she's leaning out the door with one foot working as a door stop, "I meant what I said," she waits and he stops, his back still facing her, "that it's not too late, that it couldn't be too late."

Elliot is still standing, digesting and comprehending what the beautiful brunette is saying, "What are you saying?" it's him who needs to hear the words now.

"I'm saying that, I love you," she leans against the door breathing out all the rage, "I love you, I always have; always will," she shrugs, as if she just accepts that Elliot Stabler, will always be a part of her, and that she will always be a part of him.

Elliot runs back to Olivia and kisses her again, but this time he's not holding back. They're laughing and crying and whispering between kisses. Elliot hands run through her soft brown hair, it's better than he's ever imagined. Olivia places her hands over his heart, feeling it beat in time with hers, like it always has.

Olivia is like a magnet, pulling him in closer, he kicks the door shut. He can feel her smiling with his kiss and it's like all the broken pieces of him are slowing coming together, and the world makes sense, "I love you."

"I know," and she starts laughing and abruptly stops, and it's like she doesn't even recognise the sound. Happiness and love and laughter are all emotions she's only just beginning to learn.

"What?" he asks, genuinely curious as to why his technique was a source of humour for Olivia, "not what you imagined?" he looks at her, relishing in the fact he can freely drink her in, without repercussions.

"It's everything and more," she sheepishly admits and looks down, and wipes at her eyes, feeling slightly self-conscious of her puffy, mascara face.

Sensing this, his hand replaces hers, "you're beautiful."

"Stay," Elliot is taken aback by her forwardness, slightly embarrassed, Olivia clarifies, "just stay, and hold me, please?" intimacy was something Olivia had struggled with all her life, and especially in the last twelve months. However, after all this time, it seemed that with Elliot, it was effortless, it always was.

"Yeah," he nods, "I'll stay. For as long as you'll have me, Liv, I meant it."

"Good."

The rest was history.


End file.
